


Once Upon a Parody

by beb303



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:04:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2452418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beb303/pseuds/beb303
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jefferson hasn't come into town in a while. One day he finally leaves his house and stumbles into a town meeting, where it becomes obvious why he stayed away for so long in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Parody

**Author's Note:**

> I used to really love Once Upon a Time. Please don't read this if you still do. This story makes fun of everything you like about the show.

Jefferson’s alarm went off at 8:15 in the morning. That was the only time it ever went off. He never even set it.

He spent most of his days doing what any sane person in Storybrooke did: he stayed inside all day. If you left your house, he discovered, you got swept up in a whirlwind of chaos. 

Take his good friend Archie, for example. He rarely got in anyone’s way. Then one day as he was closing up shop he was kidnapped by a sorceress named Cora. He wasn’t harmed, though, and he was returned shortly after. Jefferson wondered what the point of it all was. It was like someone was telling a stupid story and simply needed Archie for a plot point. 

And then there was August Booth. He was a nice guy, came to Storybrooke shortly after Emma Swan. He helped her believe in the curse to free everyone, and then no one saw him for weeks; hell, he’d seen Ruby more than he’d seen August, and that was something. Then one day August was discovered in the woods. He started talking to Snow and her family and then bam! He was transformed into a kid again. How? Some girl used a taser on him.

“But guys, wood can’t conduct electricity,” Jefferson had said.

“It can if the person doing the electrocuting has a black heart,” Charming had told him. Jefferson tried to ask what exactly that meant, but everyone told him pretty much the same thing.

After that, August wasn’t seen again. His purpose in the stupid story must have ended.

Anyways, Jefferson wanted to leave his house today. He had to. He needed to see if it was safe for Gracie to walk around town. It wasn’t fair to keep her locked away like this. And besides, the town had already defeated like, five villains. What more could come around?

Jefferson cursed himself for thinking that. Whenever things seemed quiet in Storybrooke, he thought, “What more could come around?” and then before he knew it, Peter Pan had shown up, or the Wicked Witch. It seemed like every three months there was a new threat!

So out he went. He passed the library that Belle was running ever since she said she loved books. He walked by the sheriff department, where Emma Swan worked even though she was not trained to be a sheriff. Finally he arrived at Granny’s diner and was about to turn right back around when he saw that it was a packed house.

“Hello, Jefferson! You’re just in time. We’re having a town meeting.”

Of course they were. Residents of Storybrooke always seemed to sense when they all needed to meet to discuss how the Charming’s would handle whatever impending doom was headed towards them.

“Do other towns have as many meetings as we do?” Jefferson asked as he plopped down into a booth.

“Other towns don’t have an evil witch shooting ice out of her hands,” Mr. Gold pointed out. Everyone nodded in agreement but once they turned away from him, Jefferson saw Gold roll his eyes.

“So, what’s the plan?” Archie asked.

“Hope,” Snow White said. Jefferson audibly groaned. “We must always have hope.”

“And… after that?” Regina asked. She stood off to the side with her arms folded across her chest looking like she would rather stick pins in her eyes than use hope as a defense.

Emma stepped forward then. Jefferson noticed she was still wearing that ugly leather jacket she loved so much. He figured once the curse was broken and Snow White realized she was Emma’s mother she would be the one to take her shopping for better clothes. Evidently, he was wrong.

“As some of you know, a few weeks ago I discovered I have magic. I had one lesson with Regina. I will handle this.”

A few weeks ago? One lesson? Jefferson looked around to see if anyone else thought this idea was as thoughtless as he did. 

He saw a man in a black leather coat moving through the crowd and sighed with relief. Someone was about to tell Emma her plan was flawed.

“I agree with Swan. She can handle this blasted snow monster. I have complete and total faith in her.”

Jefferson motioned for Granny. “I’ll take a beer, please.”

“Our daughter will save this town,” Charming announced. “She is the savior, after all. If she can’t save us, no one-

“Can,” Snow finished for him. Everyone in the diner released a collective, “Aw.”

With that maddeningly unhelpful conclusion, the meeting came to an end. The diner became aflutter with noise. Sneezy the dwarf sneezed. Grumpy yelled something angrily. 

Geez, when did this town get to be so predictable?

Jefferson’s annoyed thoughts were interrupted when Emma Swan sat down at his table.

“I could use one of those,” she said, gesturing to his beer. “This town is cold with danger.” He never understood her puns. “Haven’t seen you around in a while.”

“Yeah, I’ve been keeping a low profile ever since the curse broke. Have I missed much?”

“Just the usual: traveling between worlds, Neal died, my parents had a baby, Rumplestiltskin’s grandfather was a teenager, I dated a monkey. Nothing too weird,” she laughed.

“Wha-…did you say…You…”

“Yeah, Neal died. Just last week, actually. It’s alright though because my parents named the baby after him!” she said happily.

“Your parents named their son after the man you dated? Isn’t that kind of… disturbing?”

He looked over at Snow and Charming, who were playing with their son. He could hear them laughing about how they always find each other. Jefferson turned back to Emma.

“And what was that thing about a monkey?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears. “Yeah, not one of my finer moments. He disguised himself as a human and was just so sweet!”

Jefferson was truly at a loss for words.

“Anyways, now I’m dating a pirate.”

He looked back at the man in the black leather coat. He was standing by quietly, as if he was just waiting for Emma to be back by his side before he could do anything.

“How did that happen?”

Emma smiled. Well, she smiled as much as Emma ever did, which was pretty much just a slightly less noticeable frown. “He saved my father’s life.”

“Oh, that’s actually very nice, Emma. You fell in love with him when you saw his good side.”

“No, not exactly. He saved my father’s life and when I thanked him, he told me that wasn’t enough so I kissed him. He flirted with me so much after that and was always following me around. Eventually I just gave in.”

Jefferson took a long sip of his beer. “Well, I think I’ll be on my way.”

“I’ll walk you out,” she stood up to leave and then turned to the pirate. “Hook? I’ll be back in a few-“

“Minutes?”

Jefferson saw Emma’s eyes fill with tears while everyone around looked admiringly at the new couple. “He really gets me,” Emma said.

They moved towards the exit but Jefferson realized he wanted to say goodbye to one more person. “Wait here,” he said to Emma.

Regina saw him coming towards her and smiled. “Never thought I’d see you at one of these Gatherings of the Idiots.”

“I wanted to come get an update on Storybrooke. I didn’t know there was a meeting today. I would’ve stayed home.”

Regina nodded. “I only come to these to see Henry.”

“Your son? Doesn’t he live with you?”

“No, he’s living with Emma now.”

“Aren’t you his adopted mother though? Don’t you legally have custody of him?”

Regina simply shrugged, as if to say, “What can I do?”

Jefferson mentally listed a hundred things she could do. 

“I know what you’re thinking: what am I still doing here?”

“You’re so talented, Regina. You’re better than all of these people. You could go anywhere you wanted and be successful. There are better stories out there for people like you. Only a child or a moron would find this place exciting.”

Regina just shrugged again. Jefferson wondered if she was getting paid a lot of money to stay. She must be, he decided.

Then he took one final look around the room. Henry was playing with his uncle, the baby named after the man his mother used to sleep with. The pirate was flirting with Emma, and she seemed more annoyed than she usually was. Snow and Charming were hugging in the center of the room for seemingly no reason. 

Jefferson decided he was never going to venture into town again. As he walked home, he called Cinderella to get advice on how to go about being forgotten in Storybrooke.


End file.
